A mentor of mine said something to me years ago that I think about and reference often… Show “Mike, you know what stands between you and the kind of relationships you really want to have with people? It’s probably a 10-minute, sweaty-palmed conversation you’re too afraid to have. If you get good at those 10-minute, sweaty-palmed conversations, you’ll have fantastic relationships—you’ll resolve conflicts, build trust, and be able to work through things,” he said. He went on to say, “These conversations will help you get to know people who are different from you, talk about important issues that need to be addressed, and be able to give and receive feedback that’s necessary to everyone’s growth and success. But if you avoid them, as most of us do because they can be hard, uncomfortable, and sometimes messy, you’ll simply be a victim of whomever you live with, work with, and interact with in life.” His wisdom was spot on. These sweaty-palmed conversations often involve talking about a touchy subject, engaging in an important debate or conflict, giving or receiving some hard but essential feedback, or some combination of these things. And our ability to engage in these types of conversations effectively as a group has everything to do with our team’s performance, trust, and culture. According to Dr. Bernie Mayer, professor of conflict resolution at the Werner Institute at Creighton University and author of The Conflict Paradox, healthy conflict is essential for teams to perform their best. Dr. Mayer says, “Unless we can empower people to deal with problems that arise along the way, to face difficulties, to recognize and adjust when strategies aren’t working or are impossible to implement, to help those who are struggling, to handle the inevitable tensions and conflicts that challenging work engenders, and to maintain a positive attitude about that work, we cannot build a truly effective team, unit or organization.” If conflict isn’t dealt with directly, he adds, “problems fester, important views are squelched, and effective communication is inhibited.” The ability for you and your team to effectively engage in conflict may not be all that easy or fun, but it’s fundamental to your performance, both individually and collectively. When I speak to people, leaders, and teams about this important topic, I often ask, “When you hear the word conflict, what comes to mind?” In response to this, I hear things like, “fight, argument, disagreement, debate, anger, etc.” They’re likely thinking of a scenario like the one I had with that man on the plane. However, when I then ask, “What becomes available when we address and resolve a conflict?” people often say, “new ideas, more trust, solutions to problems, understanding, connection,” and more. While most of us don’t particularly enjoy conflict, we all know how valuable and important it is, especially to our teams, our work, and to building a strong culture and performing at the highest level. It’s really about our relationship to conflict and our fear about it that makes it difficult, more so than the conflict itself. A cross-cultural study conducted by the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment at the University of California, Berkeley, found that conflict is both liberating and fundamental to team success. According to the study, teams that can engage effectively in tough conversations have a significant competitive advantage over their counterparts—generating better ideas, more creativity, and greater innovation. Clearly it takes courage to have these types of sweaty-palmed conversations (which sometimes take more than 10 minutes, of course) and to engage in conflict directly. It’s vulnerable and often frightening for several reasons. However, usually what’s most at risk is our ego. And although there are no guarantees, most of us have learned the hard way that it’s usually better to address a conflict directly than to avoid it, which often causes it to fester and get worse. We also know that not being willing to have these types of conversations is ultimately way more damaging to us, our relationships, and our team than taking the risk and engaging. Embracing conflict in a healthy way is important for us personally and also for our team. It’s essential to our ability to connect with each other, understand one another, and create the kinds of solutions, ideas, and outcomes that are necessary for our success. And, if we’re in leadership positions and part of a leadership team, engaging in these sweaty-palmed conversations courageously and effectively is not only important for the performance of our team, it also has a critical impact on the culture of the organization. * This is an adapted excerpt from We’re All in This Together, by Mike Robbins, published in paperback by Hay House Business, March, 2022 There is nothing more important to creating a strong team than hiring the right people. But unless you start a team from scratch, building a strong team will usually involve helping some people find the door.
In my experience, there are 3 reasons people don’t have these conversations:
Difficult conversations are a skill that requires practice. Most people are not good at them. To do them effectively you must listen well, be patient, act with kindness, hone self-awareness, be direct and clear, and have emotional courage. Child psychologist and Love and Logic parenting expert Dr. Charles Fay traces many problems in life to one thing—avoidance of conflict. Parents avoid it, leaders avoid it, people avoid it. And we all suffer for it. I’ll be honest, I really hate having tough conversations. I still have to summon my courage before I have one. I am a recovering and sometimes relapsing, people pleaser. If you find them hard too, I have good news for you, you can learn to have them too. I am grateful that I had a boss and mentor early in my career that pushed me out of my comfort zone. Any time I had a problem with a team member, he would say, “Sounds like you need to have a difficult conversation. I’d love to hear about how it goes. Come by later today and tell me about it.” Yikes! That didn’t leave me much room to avoid it! Another former mentor told me something I still think about today—
She told me a profound story about having to let someone go, then seeing him in the grocery store several months later. They were able to smile, catch up, and even shake hands. This gave me a model I would try to follow for years to come. Cultivate candor When you become a leader, one of your highest responsibilities becomes the greater good of the team, and the organization. In her bestselling book, Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, Kim Scott (former executive at Google and Apple) argues that helping people improve is your ethical obligation as a leader! Leaving the wrong people hanging around your organization by passively condoning their bad habits will choke morale and create major drag on your team’s performance. Worse yet, it will make great people leave. Scott argues that this is one of the most serious problems destroying organizations today. We aren’t giving people the tools or the rationale for why these conversations are so essential. She also coins a great term—Ruinous Empathy, to describe how people say they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but what they are really talking about is managing their own feelings of being liked. We trade short term good feelings for a much greater pain for the employee and for the leader in the long run—Your team members don’t improve, and neither do you. Here is something to keep in mind—If you hold hard conversations early, it may actually help you avoid firing someone. But if the problem isn’t improving, sometimes firing someone is actually the most helpful and compassionate thing you can do for them. According to a Gallup survey of nearly 200,000 people, about 2 out of 10 people are working in their strength zone. Nobody thrives while working in an area of weakness for a prolonged period of time, and firing them might even be the catalyst they needed to find a job that is a much better fit, and much more fulfilling for them. People often stay at jobs they hate way too long because they are too comfortable. Difficult conversations help you grow as a leader, they are the tool you need to address problem issues on your team (the earlier the better), and they are also an important way to show other team members that you are willing address toxic or low-performing team members that damage team morale. You can do a lot of things right as a leader, but if you can’t have difficult conversations, you will always have a low ceiling on your leadership potential. Leadership author John Maxwell says if you are not willing to have hard conversations, you shouldn’t be in a position of leadership. It’s that simple. So my challenge to you is to stop avoiding the conversations and begin choosing the perspective that they are a vital tool in your leadership toolkit. As a final tip, I love Kim Scott’s simple advice for hard conversations:
Turn information into action: 7 principles for difficult conversations Principle 1: Have difficult conversations—Whatever you do, have these conversations. Don’t ignore them. Over the years, I’ve seen countless managers and supervisors ignore problems with team members. These people get passed around from team to team because no one has the courage to deal with a problem that everyone knows about. That is not leadership. You don’t grow as a leader and neither does your team member. And the consequences for not having important conversations are much more severe in our personal lives. Do them sloppy. Do them awkwardly. But whatever you do, don’t avoid them. Principle 2: Be clear—Don’t start with a long windup, get straight to the point. Don’t let the person walk away wondering what the issue is. Principle 3: LISTEN! Once you state your point. Take a step back and do a lot of listening. If you let someone explain their position, it will take a lot of heat out of the conversation. Plus, your perspective could be wrong! Get information, ask questions. Remember, one of the most basic human needs is to be heard and understood. Principle 4: Expect an emotional response—Most people don’t like to be confronted, so most of the time people get sad or mad. That’s okay. You have to learn to expect that, and deal with your anxiety about it. Principle 5: Be careful what story you tell yourself beforehand—We all make up stories in our heads. It’s human nature. Be careful casting the person in the role of the Villain before you talk to them. Otherwise, that can make everything they do seem villain-like! Search for common ground. Principle 6: When the pattern is clear, act decisively. If you want to give someone a pass the first time they make a mistake, that’s fine. But once the pattern is clear, leaders must act decisively. Principle 7: Detach yourself from the outcome—Don’t get attached to keeping the employee at all costs or making it your goal to “get rid of somebody.” Don’t become a rescuer or vigilante. Your job is deliver the message clearly, hold them accountable consistently, and then they are completely free to choose how they respond. Have a great weekend! Parker Suggested Resources
Why are having difficult conversations important?Difficult conversations are a necessary part of working well with others. Reaching an understanding is often the first step toward creating a better work environment. Meanwhile, avoiding conflict can cause big rifts in the workplace. These ignored conversations lead to lower employee engagement and productivity.
Why can Embracing Difficult conversations be a good idea quizlet?Why can embracing difficult conversations be a good idea? The exchange of competing ideas reflects open and honest communication. Colleagues often respect each other more if they know they can safely disagree.
How do you embrace difficult conversations?6 steps to help you tackle difficult conversations. Listen up. ... . Be clear about how you feel and what you want. ... . Look at the issue from their perspective. ... . If things aren't going to plan, take a break. ... . Agree to disagree. ... . Look after yourself.. Why do leaders avoid difficult conversations?Managers are hesitant to engage in difficult conversations because they're not sure how to approach their employees. Often, leaders fear the conversation won't go well and employees will become upset. That concern is valid. Some employees don't want to be told they're failing or making mistakes.
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Why can embracing difficult conversations be a good idea
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